How to Tell Your Girlfriend You're Going Golfing

Let's be honest about something the instruction industry won't touch: the hardest shot in golf is not the 40-yard bunker shot. It is walking into the living room on a sunny Saturday morning and announcing you will be gone for six hours.

This guide has been developed through years of rigorous field testing. Results may vary. Flowers help.

Rule one: never open with the tee time

The single worst opening sentence in golf is: "So, I have a tee time tomorrow at nine."

You have led with the conclusion. There is no conversation left to have, only a verdict to receive. Instead, open with the weekend, the whole weekend, and let golf take its natural place inside a larger, generous-sounding plan. "I was thinking Saturday morning I'd play golf, and then Saturday night we could try that new place you mentioned" is not a request. It is an itinerary with something in it for everyone.

Rule two: the Wednesday principle

Timing is everything. Announce a Saturday round on Friday evening and you are asking for permission. Announce it on Wednesday and you are simply sharing your calendar, like a person with a rich and well-organized life.

By Saturday, your round has the quiet authority of a standing appointment.

Rule three: know your exchange rate

Every relationship runs on an informal currency market, and you should know the going rates. One Saturday morning round trades at roughly:

• One uncomplaining attendance at a birthday party for someone you've never met
• Two weeknight dinners where you ask follow-up questions
• A single, sincere "you were right about the couch"

Pay in advance when possible. Debt in this market compounds aggressively.

Rule four: the return window matters more than the departure

Nobody actually minds the leaving. What lingers is the coming back. Specifically: coming back forty minutes later than promised, smelling of beer, holding a story about the seventeenth that no one asked for.

Under-promise, over-deliver. Say six hours, arrive in five and a half, and walk in the door already talking about dinner plans. You will be astonished how quickly next week's round approves itself.

A final word

Of course, the truly advanced play is the simplest one: take her with you. Worst case, you lose your Saturday flight. Best case, you gain a partner who understands exactly why you need a new driver, because she has heard your current one off the heel.